For the past three weeks, I have done a catharsis in the way of writing letters to this man that I let go of. It was my way of understanding my feelings and emotions that I didn’t know had gone so deep. What has happened is that the writings are so much that I believe it has turned out to a book.
I have been in the process of writing a different book with my sister, but this kind of morphed out of me and it totally took me by surprise. So it will be published soon. I just have to transcribe all these letters which I wrote at all hours of the days including being woken up at 2, 3 or 4 AM. It somehow took over me.
Here is one of my last letters after the last day I saw him.
I’m glad we were able to meet and talk in a dignified and loving manner. So many breakups occur with anger and hate, as I saw one of my my best friends do. She happened to be having closure yesterday as well, but her closure was broken and angry and very bitter. I’m not bitter with what we shared. Again, it was only three months. My friend shared eight years.
I’m glad I was able to see that and you acknowledged that your heart was not really engaged. I would have continued giving you my heart, and you would have been afraid of giving of your heart. You said to give you a chance, but how long would I have waited? A year?Five Years? Ten years? I can’t wait that long. I don’t know. I don’t believe that with true love, you need to hold back. With true love, nothing holds you back.
So I’m glad that I was able to have the opportunity to feel love, so that I can have the hope of falling in love again, and really falling. At least this crash was not so bad.
It was a short, intense time. I’m glad we were able to let go with love, instead of bitterness and anger. I had to recognize that I am a certain way, and even if we tried to work it out, I was trusting in my own gut, that I needed to move on. And it’s not that I’m moving on because there’s someone else. I’m moving on because I need to follow my own passion now, and my dreams, instead of waiting for my love to be reciprocated. And I’m grateful that we were able, in a short time, to heal a part of our own broken-ness.
And,as I hugged you at the end, I hugged you with love, and I promised you I’d always send you love, because I wish for you that you’d find the courage one day, to have your heart ignited and to just plunge into just experience that true ecstasy of love. I felt this for a brief short time with you. You asked me one day to just love you and let go of my hesitation, and I did. And I plunged in, and I fell pretty hard in a very short time. But I was able to heal this so that I wouldn’t carry a burden of pain of my heart.
I’m almost finished with my physical therapy. I’m walking strong. I still have a little bit of pain, but I’m walking strong and I hope that you are walking strong too and all your aches and pains will go away. When you immerse yourself in that flame of love,it can burn, any pain, any hurt, any disappointment and only bring you joy, love, ecstasy, peace, bliss, and I hope to find that soon as well, my own way, and I’ll be ready, I’ll be ready. Maybe a little tiny bit guarded, but I’ll be ready. I am ready.