Not Dreaming Is Painful

by Blanca Stella on August 18, 2009

coral-roseMy mini meltdown yesterday was not just about being  jilted by another realtor who wanted to take the commission all for himself. Though it did take the wind out of me a bit, I have learned to stomach it.

Yesterday also happened to be the day that some trademarks were about to be abandoned if I didn’t extend them. I had registered some trademarks with my sister two years ago when we started our dreams. I had the website related to these trademarks  linked to this site because I assumed we were going to work on these projects together.  Back in May, right after Sparky died, I wrote an open letter to my sister, and unlinked the website to this blog. It is sitting somewhere in cyberspace, still active, but stale.

Unfortunately, nothing ever happened. My sister abandoned the projects. Just a month ago, she called me and said she was putting her focus on “our dream”. I told her that the trademarks were going to expire. She said she was going to pay to get them extended. Well, I never got a phone call from her. She probably forgot.

In my mind, if you really don’t have a strong enough desire or fire in your belly to follow your dream, it is easier to forget. I honestly didn’t want to pay the money to extend them. My funds are very limited now.  I mentioned to my son about the expiration. He told me I shouldn’t abandon them. So I woke up and kept them alive, but they are only good for six more months.

The dream that I have is to create children’s books and inspirational CD’s. I also have a manuscript for my little love story book that I want to self publish.  One of my other hats that is not being utilized is my hypnotherapist license that I have had for over 15 years. The idea was that my real estate deals would finance these projects or at least give me time to create them.  My sister’s talent as a therapist and hypnotherapist was going to add immense value to the projects we had in mind. But, alas,  time is very limited right now as I already am wearing two hats to make a living.

The good thing is that I extended the trademarks before I got the call from my client.  I think my meltdown was that I exerted precious time that would have been better utilized to follow my dreams. Mainly, I was mad at my sister for giving up. I don’t even think she ever reads my blog. She won’t know that I extended the trademarks unless she reads this.

So now I have six months. Maybe I should challenge myself like the girl in the movie Julie and Julia and start creating NOW what I have been dreaming of. My passion is still there. My heart is alive and kicking with everything I want to do. When I had the meltdown and cried, I told Cristian that it was sometimes too painful to dream and that I wished I didn’t dream so much.

Maybe selling my friends house will give me an extra cushion of  that darn time,  while I continue working on my brother’s projects for some income stability. I’m going to give it a shot. The meltdown helped me to realize that the pain was really in the thought of letting go of my dreams. It really is much too painful to live without them. In my moment of insanity, I thought it was the other way around. And in that moment, my beautiful and amazing son was the one telling me not to let go of my dreams.  He is truly my inspiration and why I am not giving up.

I took this picture of the coral rose at a broker’s open house I did last week. My client had bought them to make the house more beautiful. They definitely caught my eye that I took a bunch of pictures of them. My heart is opening more today like the rose.

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Patricia Downey August 18, 2009 at 12:21 pm

Blanca,

Go with your dreams. Things might not go the way we want them to go but that’s what taking risks is all about. Sometimes, I feel like letting go of some of the things I want to do for various reasons. But if I did, I wouldn’t be comfortable knowing that I might have missed a great joy.
Beautiful photo!
Patricia

Doug C. August 18, 2009 at 6:48 pm

Blanca, I couldn’t help remembering my own struggle with dumping my dreams just a few months ago as I read this post of yours. Since I was a kid I have dreamed of being a graphic designer. Since that time I have always drawn things in one form or another – for friends, for pleasure, or for the occasional client. But all-in-all it has never really taken off in a way that could sustain me full time, which is the main dream I have – of getting up every morning and walking five feet to my office.

So a few months ago I had it out with God, asking Him why would He give me this talent and then give me no way to utilize it? I was sick and tired of people contacting me for work and then never hearing from them again because they were cheap skates and only wanted to pay $25 for my time. I asked God if I should just give up. Obviously after thirty-some-years with no results it wasn’t going anywhere.

So for about a week I stayed away from the computer. I moped and sulked around. I tried finding other things to do, but then an odd thing happened. I discovered that no matter how angry I get, how disillusioned, I would always come back to my artwork. So I guess I would draw even if no one ever paid me for it (which is what I’m doing anyway), even if the dream never materializes, because in the end drawing is what I do – like breathing; it’s what keeps me alive.

Blanca Stella August 18, 2009 at 11:53 pm

I have finally realized that I love writing, sharing, connecting and being inspired. When I don’t do any of these, my heart feels heavy. Thanks for sharing. We all have a gift and we need to continue nurturing what we love to do.

Brian August 23, 2009 at 11:35 am

It’s cliche and a bit worn, but “just do it”.

If you didn’t have the talent, therein would lie a major problem. 🙂

You have the ability and the drive – all that’s left is the execution.

Jenny Ann Fraser May 2, 2010 at 11:36 am

Hello Blanca!
I just discovered your lovely blog and I'm very much looking forward to reading more. I realize that this is an older post, but had to respond as I find myself often in a similar situation as I am trying to start a business while working multiple jobs just to get by. I find that when I feel as though life is putting my dreams on hold, making one small concrete step, like writing, or learning something new that I need helps me to feel a sense of progress which inspires me to continue dreaming.
So true, Not Dreaming is Painful! What a world we would have if we all understood this!

blancastella May 2, 2010 at 9:15 pm

Hi Jenny, day by day..each day is a baby baby step, especially during times of major changes in our lives it is best to feel the progress this way to avoid being overwhelmed. Thanks for stopping by! Good luck in your ventures.

blancastella May 3, 2010 at 3:15 am

Hi Jenny, day by day..each day is a baby baby step, especially during times of major changes in our lives it is best to feel the progress this way to avoid being overwhelmed. Thanks for stopping by! Good luck in your ventures.

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