That is how long it has been since I have blogged. This project for me has been like my little baby. I’ve nurtured all the messages I’ve written and feel in a way like I abandoned ship. But I do have good reason. I have been nurturing my soul in a new way. I met someone before my surgery and after my halo on my ankle wasremoved, I have been out like a free bird enjoying the light heartedness that comes with dating some one new that feels like it has potential to grow into something deeper.
It has caught me totally by surprise, but after a few weeks of enjoyment of the newness, imy mind had bursts of outrage, like ” are you out of your mind?” What if he is some clever, manipulating and calculating one that is pretending to be nice.” “Don’t fall into that trap again,or its all
over”. I felt myself like I was ready to fall into an unknown territory
especially since it feels so “right”. The bottom line is trust- much of what has been broken in the past. I realized that my fear is not only a broken trust, but a broken heart. Who wants to go thru that again.
And yet, I know in my mind, I could be projecting these thoughts and end up creating again what I fear the most. So I let go and allowed
myself to be more vulnerable and attempting to feel safe in letting go, this time knowing that I can’t “lose” myself as I did in the past. I only lost myelf because I was less conscious of my true hearts desire which was to have a meaningful relationship totally from the heart.
And what I never have really experienced may very well come my way or greeting me at the entrance way. If it is “real”, as I suspect it is, then I surely am walking thru this new doorway with a different attitude. A different mind set, yes with my heart raw and vulnerable, but this time, my heart is strong from countless hours of repair.
Who is to say that repair cannot happen in an instant. It depends on what you are looking at at that doorway. Right now, the view is very nice All I can do is to focus on this view and take the plunge(without falling) and walk straight ahead in trusting my own self. I am also a few years wiser and have maintained that sense of wonder and innocence at the same time. In my heart I always knew that one day I could stand at a new doorway with someone to share love.
I can’t say yet that I am “in love”. My mind can’t go there, but I can say I am difinitely in major “like”..I know this mind I have to live with plays tricks on me because of all that old baggage which qute frankly I havethrown a lot out, but the suitcase like my mind and body, sometimes feels worn out and the guardedness comes out for protection. I guess that’s not too bad. Its part of the balance that keeps me grounded. But love is not logical. So i’ll leave it at that for now, and enjoy the scenery in the doorway. I am already inside and its very nice..as well as the person that is occupying the scenery- a very nice man, for a change.
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