Currently I am unable to walk with both feet on the ground. I am hopping around on walker and graduating on crutches. The apparatus I have attached to my ankle and shin is very uncomfortable, but after two weeks of torturous pain from the procedures, the pain has definitely subsided. Time does heal all as they say. I do feel temporarily handicapped because I can’t physically move about like I normally do. I count my lucky stars that I am alive and it was only my bones that broke and not any permanent serious physical disability.
The difference between this surgery and the one I had five years ago is that I am much more mentally alert. Five years ago before the accident, I kept saying outload how miserable I was, in my relationship and the stressful work life I had gotten myself into. I was ready to explode. I was burnt out mentally and emotionally. And explode I did, where I was unable to walk for one year. In the last four years I have purposefully avoided relationships because I have been in a transformative process of recreating my life without the mental handicaps and limitations I had created for myself.
Yes I created them. I am not victim of circumstance. I made choices. Unconscious yes. But they were my choices. My handicap was that I was unconscious of the choices I made even though there were signs that screamed: Dysfunction! Dysfunction!
I did have a mini meltdown the other day because I was tired of asking for help. I broke down because I questioned myself, “What choices did I make in my life to end up in this situation. Why did I make those choices? How could have it been different if I would have made other choices? How different could my life have been? I am not miserable anymore. I am not mentally limited and “handicapped”. My mind and spirit finally feels so free.
At least I made good conscious choices in these past years to get my mind where it is at, because the reality is that we are continually going to be confronted with challenging situations. Like I told my teenage son: “Its all in the attitude. Its all in the mind.” This little physical handicap is temporary. Good thing I let go of a lot of mental handicaps that I carried for so many years that wore me down and caused me more pain than this ankle pain.
As I captioned in a picture on facebook, “”its only my ankle, the other 99.99% of me is doing good. “
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