Life has some unexpected surprises. During this time of crawling and having to surrender even more so to allow the healing on my ankle to take place with patience and calm, I had a guy call me that I had seen at a party one week before my surgery. Because of not really being able to move much in the beginning, we just talked on the phone and a couple of times has brought me dinner in this last month.
The other day we went out at night to a restaurant, crutches and big foot in tow. Because of my semi self-imposed non- dating status in the last couple of years, I have found it totally comical to be dating while this apparatus is attached to my ankle.
Part of my nature before my accident was to compartmentalize my true feelings and suppress them when it came to the relationship department. I later became more conscious of my less than optimal choices, I took the time in the last years to be more aware of the patterns which caused me so many headaches, stress, pain and total frustration with men.
So now, when I am nice and calm in this situation of recovering of my ankle, the last thing I expected was for a man to come into my life. Talking on the phone is great and safe. But dating is another story and the day before yesterday, my mind started to do a “ I want to run away syndrome” and convince myself of how this is going to mess up. I quickly realized that it was old fears coming up. I took the time to reflect in a quiet space and allowed myself to accept and let flow only what is good for me…and take it step by step…allow it to unfold naturally.
I didn’t realize that I had so much resistance until I realized that I hadn’t written in 10 days. When I tried to write, a part of me wanted to compartmentalize this new experience and put it aside. But I felt if I did this, then I wasn’t being true to myself, and I would just end up going back to my old ways again. I can’t be whole if I compartmentalized everything. It only works for a short time. Breakdown comes later. I know, I’ve been there.
I know that this fear is just a memory of the past, of what I was used to in the male department- hurt, disappointment, pain. I am slowly moving beyond all these pains, just like my ankle. Slowly but surely in a new direction. I am looking at it now as if I am starting a new journey. It’s like going on a vacation to some beautiful place that I had never been before and I enjoy the new scenery before me. I’ll work with my mind to with the remaining lingering files and just delete them. I just have to tell my mind, I am on the new operating system.
So far, the scenery looks nice. Its going to be a very refreshing vacation. Just because my mind hasn’t been to this new location, doesn’t mean it can’t get used to it.
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