For the past three weeks, I have done a catharsis in the way of writing letters to this man that I let go of. It was my way of understanding my feelings and emotions that I didn’t know had gone so deep. What has happened is that the writings are so much that I believe it has turned out to a book.
I have been in the process of writing a different book with my sister, but this kind of morphed out of me and it totally took me by surprise. So it will be published soon. I just have to transcribe all these letters which I wrote at all hours of the days including being woken up at 2, 3 or 4 AM. It somehow took over me. (more…)
I am feeling my feet firmly on the ground. Feeling stable and secure is something that is being ripped out of – from under the carpets, so to say for a lot of people nowadays. In this financial crisis, Lehman Brothers going bankrupt, AIG Insurance being rescued by the federal government today, Merrill Lynch being bought out by Bank of America. Huge institutions worth hundreds of billions of trillions together are losing over 75% of their values. And at the same time, all of the people that comprise these organizations are feeling devalued. 
The passion that I have for my dream is greater now than the infancy of this relationship. I feel there is a possibility that I am choosing to go in this direction right now. That is where my heart is. I thought I could do both; I’m not sure if I can. Maybe I will. But for now, this is where I’m being led. A relationship does take time to nourish and to grow. And so it is with this new creative projects that I am doing with my sister. It all takes away from my free time, besides the fact that I’m also a mother, and I also love to enjoy time with my family and friends.
For me, letting go of this short relationship that felt like a potential true partnership at this critical juncture of time meant that I had to make a choice. It was not whether I should meet another man. It was a choice of this relationship or pursue my dreams, the creativity and the part of me that I finally discovered. I thought I could do both. And I think I probably still can. 
This past week has been an interesting week in my new relationship. Things took an unexpected turn, and I broke it off. There is still a possibility for there is much in the sense of understanding, compassion, and love and kindness, great qualities that do exist between myself and this other person. However, I was feeling a disconnect on an emotional level. I was sensing probably his fear of getting hurt even though he didn’t project it that way. 
One of the things that I saw a good friend go through in this torturous letting go of an eight year relationship was her constant questioning. What if it could have been this? What if it could have been that, and what do you think he’s thinking? What do you think he’s doing? Do you think he loves me? Do you think he loves the other girl? No matter what, you’re mind just goes into a frenzy, of questioning