I had a couple of meltdowns this week including today. One big one was my questioning: Why, Why did I have to make those choices? Why did I have to end up with this apparatus in my leg? I broke down in the shower crying my eyes out and feeling sorry for myself. I am so used to being totally independent and doing everything alone.
The day before yesterday I also did some arm weights and situps to get some blood flowing in my body. I want to move around and get the cardiovascular exercise. So being alone is actually good because I can move around instead of asking someone to get it for me. My nature is independent. I always have been. Its just that now, I do have to rely on some help because of my temporary limitation. Just 3 and a half weeks to go to get thiscontraption off.
This morning I had the thought of wanting to throw out some old magazines that had piled up and making a mess in my family room. I decided to move a box, I decided to do it myself and while holding the box which was kind of heavy, I went to sit down and I missed the chair and I fell down on the hard floor. Luckily I kept my leg up so I didn’t mess any of the apparatus, but I started crying out of nervousess. I went to my room all shaken up and
Cristian asked me why I was crying and I told him it was because I got scared. And he said, “mom , you have to face your fears and let them go.” He made me laugh because I realized that he is mirroring the same words that I used to tell him when he was little. And now as a 15 year old teen, I see that those words that I ingrained in his head of confidence are starting to pay off.
The other day I had my meltdown, he said to me, “Mom, you have to be strong.” And another day he said, “Mom, its not easy but its going to be OK.” We have been going back and forth with, “Are you saying this in the victim way?” Or “Are you saying this sarcastic?” We have been on our toes to maintain a healthy sense of independence and assistance and not, poor me.
I am very proud of him to be steeping up to the plate and calling me when he sees that I start wallowing. And truly hope that in his life he will always know to always face his fears no matter what obstacle comes his way. I’m proud of me too that I instilled this sense of confidence all these years and now he as an emerging man, can mirror it back to me. I used to tell him as a little kid that even if he didn’t understand everything that I said about being positive, having a good attitude, believing in himself, that it was hopefully being stored in a file somewhere in his brain so he can access it later. This week has been a demonstration of it. He is definitely still a teen. We have had our moments. But all in all, he has made a big effort to go out of his comfort zone
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