I had a dream last night that I actually died. I was laying in bed in a hospital and organically felt and saw what it was like to “pass on”. I don’t know if what I saw in the dream is actually what happens. I suppose no one can really say except God.
While I was emailing my sister, I got this insight of writing “dear Life letters”. It is not my real thoughts. I am inventing a fictional character that regrets not doing much in life, someone who was negative and had a bad attitude in life.
In that dream, after I died, this world, this body, had no more attachment. I wasn’t pulled to go back. Something else was pulling me somewhere else and I was not afraid. I didn’t know where but it felt peaceful. It was just interesting that the body which once had life could collapse and just be a blob and lay there on the bed lifeless. I guess that is how many people are anyway, like walking zombies confused and walking aimlessly in life, complaining and not doing anything constructive with their lives. That’s sad.
Of course when you are really confronted with real death, you will fight for “dear life”. People should start writing letters to “dear life”, like this:
“Dear Life, sorry I have been such a drip with my self loathing attitude that I am no good and I can’t do this and I can’t do that. Sorry I couldn’t really see how beautiful this earth, this creation really is. Sorry I took it for granted. And all the people that surround me and attempted to give me hope but with my bad attitude, I didn’t believe them.
I’m sorry I didn’t take advantage of understanding how much I really can contribute in some way and that I do have something of value. I was so just darn afraid of being taken advantage again. You know, who can you trust in this world anyway. I even bought into so many bad thoughts that I couldn’t concentrate on what good I could do. So dear life, be kind to me where you take me in what some people call the “afterlife”.
If it is called “after life” does that mean you are there too? Maybe then finally I will have a better life. Sorry I couldn’t make it better here. Oh well next time around, I promise to make it better. Just don’t give me that amnesia serum or that nasty bad hypnosis serum of all those distorted thoughts. I should of gotten out of that bad hypnosis earlier to see that you, Life, wasn’t so bad after all. Oh well, see you in the next one.”
Your truly,
Random Unnecessary Voice(Fictional Character)
I am feeling my feet firmly on the ground. Feeling stable and secure is something that is being ripped out of – from under the carpets, so to say for a lot of people nowadays. In this financial crisis, Lehman Brothers going bankrupt, AIG Insurance being rescued by the federal government today, Merrill Lynch being bought out by Bank of America. Huge institutions worth hundreds of billions of trillions together are losing over 75% of their values. And at the same time, all of the people that comprise these organizations are feeling devalued. 
The passion that I have for my dream is greater now than the infancy of this relationship. I feel there is a possibility that I am choosing to go in this direction right now. That is where my heart is. I thought I could do both; I’m not sure if I can. Maybe I will. But for now, this is where I’m being led. A relationship does take time to nourish and to grow. And so it is with this new creative projects that I am doing with my sister. It all takes away from my free time, besides the fact that I’m also a mother, and I also love to enjoy time with my family and friends.
This past week has been an interesting week in my new relationship. Things took an unexpected turn, and I broke it off. There is still a possibility for there is much in the sense of understanding, compassion, and love and kindness, great qualities that do exist between myself and this other person. However, I was feeling a disconnect on an emotional level. I was sensing probably his fear of getting hurt even though he didn’t project it that way. 
I was talking to an acquaintance who has been very successful in business. For her, there seems to be a lack of acknowledgement of the love that she feels from her mother. Not for her mother, but from her mother. Her mother grew up feeling lack financially, and even though her mother was a hard worker and able to create a good sustenance financially, for some reason she projected unconsciously, all this lack from her upbringing to her daughter. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her, because I know she does.
I haven’t tended to my garden much since my surgery in June because I couldn’t. I was able to observe it walking around with my crutches and walker while I recuperated. But I couldn’t take out all the weeds that were accumulating around my passion vine, which attracts butterflies or my bleeding heart vine which has a beautiful red flower.