The severe car accident made me stop in my tracks and stopped me from walking for one year. It was a huge wake up call, which eventually led to reflecting a lot and spending time alone purposefully without a relationship with a man for the past 4 years.
The process to create a new foundation and to recreate my life was not an easy one. It took a lot of trust. It took a lot of faith. It took a lot of letting go, along with some aggravation,uncertainties and anxieties that popped up. But I persisted because the insights that I was getting in my heart were coming in much too strong.
I had finally let go of certain aspects of my personality of how I operated before, the constant busyness, distractions and my need to want to find a soul mate who would “fulfill” me. Finally I was taking the time to say, “Okay where am I? What am I really about in my core? What do I have to offer that’s different? The more that I did this, I developed this intimacy with God, which was really like an intimacy with myself.
It was like having a relationship, a true ongoing relationship with a higher power that was indescribable. Because of the time I was taking to develop this intimacy, I found a deeper connection within myself and at the same time with God. I guess it was always there, except I never really paid too much attention.
I had just glimpses before. I was finding that it was an intimacy with myself and finding that true love within myself. It was not a narcissist love. It was finally knowing myself and discovering what my strengths were. I sometimes put myself down internally when it came to my emotions. I am a very emotional woman and thought that having so many emotions weakened me.
I got accustomed during those four years to the streams of consciousness that kept coming to me and the constant bombardment of in flow of grace. It was like my soul was breathing a sigh of relief. Finally for the first time in my life, I took the time to reflect on where my life was heading. I was actually visioning for the first time. Before it was so haphazard and at the constant affect of people that brought me down. I finally was questioning, “Who am I? What is my place hear in this world? What am I supposed to do?”
Obviously I had not done such a great job in the relationship arena. Yeah, I was successful in creating my sustenance in work. I also traveled and provided a pretty good life considering there were challenges of being divorced and raising a son as the only breadwinner. Somehow though, I always came out ahead financially. So here I was at 42 years old and completely miserable in the worst relationship ever. Then boom, I’m in this car accident.
Now that I was taking the time to reflect, I decided that I wanted to do it different. I wanted to make my life in a totally different way. I was totally shaken up, ripped apart. Everything was almost taken away from me financially because I didn’t have any income in that year.
I didn’t work because I couldn’t walk for a year. By sheer determination, I pushed myself to start walking fast, to start working again, things that I was good at. But the foundation was still a little shaky. Then in 2006, I ended up with severe pain on my ankle. I had traumatic arthritis due to the accident and hardly had any cartilage left. So again, pain was creeping up on me again.
Even though I thought I was getting back on track, I was still a little wobbly. In those four years, from 2003 to 2007, it was a time to reassess myself and figure out a way to do things differently, totally different like a whole new blueprint. But I didn’t have a manual.
This required a lot of soul-searching and quiet time. Otherwise, I could have started off on my million to to lists which I am good at. Or I could get distracted and forget about those insights I was getting in those quiet times without any other distractions, except taking care of my son and working my normal routine as a real estate broker.
As I developed this relationship with God and myself, I found out my greatest strengths were what I thought were my weaknesses. I learned to really feel and trust my feelings, where before I thought, “oh, I’m so emotional, or I just feel things too much, I’m too sensitive.” No, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s good to be a sensitive human being; there’s compassion, there’s intuition, there is clarity in making, for example, a business decision.
Is this the right time to do business with this person? How many times have I kicked myself and not trusted my gut for running around with prospects that drained me and waste my precious time, where instead I could have sat back and enjoyed that time with my son. As time went by, these sensitivities became very acute. I was almost uncomfortable with them because it seemed like a gift, but the rawness and the intense sensitivity of it caused me to feel, besides crazy, not “normal”.
I always wanted to be normal. I grew up in a normal environment. My house wasn’t that crazy. I grew up in a normal school. I grew up amongst normal sisters and parents. I had a lot of normal upbringing. I had normal good friends. Everything was pretty much just that – normal. I didn’t want to be out of the box. It got to the point where I couldn’t stop because that relationship that developed was so fulfilling.
I’m so happy I did. My life is so different now. Now with this financial crisis hitting us globally, I can go within and trust that I am going to be OK and safe.
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