One of the things that I saw a good friend go through in this torturous letting go of an eight year relationship was her constant questioning. What if it could have been this? What if it could have been that, and what do you think he’s thinking? What do you think he’s doing? Do you think he loves me? Do you think he loves the other girl? No matter what, you’re mind just goes into a frenzy, of questioning
and questioning and questioning. There’s never an answer. I really feel that if two people really love each other it just will flow like that saying, if you let it go free and if it comes back to you, it was meant to be. If not it never was meant to be. It will just happen.
We, as human beings, are so worn out in these battlefields that we shut ourselves out of the experience when it gets too intense. Because loving does entail pain and conflict sometime. We get on each others nerves or sit back and say, “You know what, I choose to be alone and not engaged in this.” The beauty of life is to engage because as you engage, its the vitality of life and passion. To constantly engage and retreat and engage and retreat, it’s like a wave.
I have been writing these past days non stop some letters to myself which are addressed to my boyfriend. It is my way of letting go, writing letters. Its my way of releasing whatever range of emotions are going thru me instead of yakking my head off to my friends and driving them crazy. Here is an excerpt from today:
As they say, there is a time and a season, and for me, the season of this relationship which seemed to be flourishing has taken a turn in the wind. It is not out of conflict, but simply what I sense out of fear of embracing what can be so grand and expanding, but in the midst of uncertainty and limitations with him finding a job, it must be set free.
I was talking to an acquaintance who has been very successful in business. For her, there seems to be a lack of acknowledgement of the love that she feels from her mother. Not for her mother, but from her mother. Her mother grew up feeling lack financially, and even though her mother was a hard worker and able to create a good sustenance financially, for some reason she projected unconsciously, all this lack from her upbringing to her daughter. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her, because I know she does.
What if your destiny is nothing but taking small steps, led by a vision that you have initialized by a leap of faith in your hopes dreams and desires, and you are taken into a reality that becomes your destiny. For me, the word “destiny” or “fate” connotates sometimes something too big and therefore a sense of being unattainable.
I haven’t tended to my garden much since my surgery in June because I couldn’t. I was able to observe it walking around with my crutches and walker while I recuperated. But I couldn’t take out all the weeds that were accumulating around my passion vine, which attracts butterflies or my bleeding heart vine which has a beautiful red flower.