I have been working intensely, with my sister, Maria in the last nine months uncovering some of my own wounds. Good thing she is a therapist. I can be a good left brain person, but when it comes to my emotions, when they are strong, I “feel” everything so much. That has always been my nature. I always thought it was my weakest part. But with all this new quantum physics coming out, they say for something to manifest, besides visualizing and thinking something to happen, you are supposed to feel it.
I cant keep my emotions under the surface anymore by being busy with distractions to avoid feeling them. For me, being busy, busy, busy has been a great way to avoid my own pains.. At this time in my life, I finallyunderstand many reasons for my reactions, choices I made, events leading up to those choices and the consequences I have paid. Or should I say consequences I have learned from. I question myself a lot. “What if I didn’t make that or this choice? How would my life be different?” Is it fate or destiny that we cant help and end up making certain choices. I think that the more conscious we become we can direct our life more.
In my 20”s I made a lot of unconscious choices and therefore, 20 years later the consequences have caught up to me. But becoming more conscious, I can now make better choices and steer my life in a much better course. Tests and challenges in life are times to reflect what is going, to make you slow down and reassess. What direction should I take? Sometimes we don’t pay attention and continue on with the same behaviours and patterns. I paid attention. I got scared because the test was too great. I almost lost my life 5 and half years ago by way of a car accident where I fractured my left ankle in five pieces, right wrist, pelvis and and crushed my acetabelum .
Right now this surgery on my ankle is just a minor thing as a result of that injury.Its just my ankle., only one part of my body. It could have been worse It’s a reminder of what happened 5 years ago, being in a hospital again. It brings me back kind of scary memories.
I have worked thru them in these last years knowing that this “accident” was really a blessing. I have taken these past five years to discover myself even though I have had more challenges along the way as well, but the most important thing is that in my heart I am the strongest. I feel my emotions strong and balanced. My heart is free and happy I have so many beautiful friends and family. My ankle is in pain..as did the pain in my heart.
If I look at it from that perspective, I feel very whole inside now. This surgery was a symbol or mirror of piecing myself back together because that is what I have done .I am no longer shattered with my inner wounds, hidden, deep and encrusted for fear of “feeling” them. I am liberated now.
As I will be liberated to walk more freely and more firmly in the ground, here and trust in faith and this time in complete certainty that God is my companion, God is my friend. I am no longer alone. I will try to withstand this pain in my ankle and know that little by little, step by step, it will be healed.
My spirit is ready to soar now. Before I was broken, literally. I know now you can’t fly broken. A part of me, even when I was in the hospital five years ago felt relieved, for I was miserable up to that point. But this time, it was a planned surgery to fix something. Before there was no planning. It just happened. I didn’t see it coming. My body, my mind everything was in shock. But at least now my life has taken a turn for the better in so many ways.
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